(SINGING) It seems today that all you see
ls violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
ANNOUNCER: We now return to Wes Anderson's
pan-up, pan-dawn French song, The End.
(WOMAN SINGING IN FRENCH)
Wow, that was amazing, I think.
All right, everyone. It's time to open up our bank statements.
Let's gather around for prayer.
Hey, God. It's the Griffins.
Again, we're very sorry we cyberbullied that girl to death,
but we still want a snowmobile.
Today though, please let there be money in our bank account.
- Amen. - ALL: Amen.
Damn it. It didn't work. We're still poor.
Peter, every month our savings get smaller and smaller.
We really got to figure out a better way to budget for this family's future.
- Bitcoin. - What?
- I don't know. - This is serious.
We need to think about our kids' education.
Of course it's already too late for Meg to go to college.
And Chris is too dumb to get in anywhere.
- Yay! - No, Chris. Not "yay."
But there's still time for Stewie.
Let's sit down later
and see if we can figure out a plan to get our finances in order.
Don't worry about it, Lois. I will always provide for the family.
Even if I have to shoot our dinner.
(SCREAMING)
(GUNSHOT)
This will look great in my study.
I'm a hunter, but I'm a silly hunter.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(GULPS)
Hey, don't fill up on that. We got breakfast coming.
Hey, Peter, I think I figured out one way we can save money for Stewie's college.
If we bundle our cable and Internet together,
we can save $14 a month.
No. Bundling is a sign of defeat.
Plus, I figured out something better.
- A metal detector. - What?
Yeah, combines two of America's greatest resources.
Garbage and luck.
That's stupid, Peter.
Ah, you're just saying that because the battery it uses causes bladder cancer.
Well, then I'm off.
I shall be at the beach looking for valuables
and occasionally using a doorless bathroom.
Good day, madam.
ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Awkward Stepdad Show.
Man, your mom's a real groaner. Do you hear that in your room?
Hey, Dad, where are you going?
Well, Meg, now that I'm a metal detector guy,
I gotta start eating breakfast at on-the-sand cafes
where I will judge tourists as my skin browns and hardens.
Stop throwing your kid's diapers in the trash with all the soda cans.
Hey, Lois, check out what I found with my metal detector.
Are those... Are those Purple Hearts?
Yeah, some idiot buried like 100 of them in this big lawn under these bone cages.
Peter, I think you desecrated a military graveyard.
Hey, guys. Like, four jeeps just drove up onto our front yard.
- They must be here for the medals. - Maybe.
Or it could be because of my I'm Gonna Barf0n The White House blog.
(BEEPING)
(BUZZING)
Ah, sweet.
Huh. Wonder what happens if I turn it on and point 'em at each other?
(STATIC WHINING)
Oh, my God.
Did you also call into a talk show without turning down your radio first?
(BEEPING)
(BUZZING)
Jackpot.
Wow, an iPad! This thing finds everything.
Engagement ring.
Family locket.
Sunglasses that are an upgrade over my current pair.
There he is! There's the guy who's been stealing everyone's stuff.
Don't yell at me! I'm very sunburned.
- Go, crappy car. Go! - (RATTLING)
Peter, did you rob a bunch of people on the beach with your metal detector?
Well, that's only half the story.
I also hooted at a lady who was breast-feeding.
I want you to get rid of that metal detector.
All you're doing is getting into trouble and digging up junk
when we really need to be saving for Stewie's college.
Tomorrow we are going to the mall and returning that thing to the store.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine. But you should know
the day I bought this metal detector was the happiest day of my life.
Well, obviously the second happiest.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(SINGING) Now we're gonna do this thing a little different tonight
You gonna come over and pick me up in your ride
Oh, my God. I wasn't even supposed to be here.
I passed out at the Tom Petty concert last night and just stayed.
You're gonna open my door
and I'ma reach over and open yours
Gonna pay for dinner, take me to see a movie
And whisper in my ear haw bad you really wanna do me
Please, go slow. I have IBS.
Well, I'm glad the store was willing to take that metal detector back.
All right, let's go to the food court.
I love eating Panda Express
while squeezing our purchases between our knees
'cause someone might grab 'em.
God, the mall sucks. Doesn't it, kids?
If I had a credit card, I'd shop online.
Oh, hey, Bonnie, what are you guys doing here?
Oh, hey, Lois.
We saw an ad looking for a toddler to appear in a peanut butter commercial,
and we thought we'd bring Susie.
Joe, are you wearing a corsage?
Yeah, you can get a really good deal on them after prom season.
They're for girls, Joe.
Hey, Peter? Why don't you let me do me, and you do you. Okay?
"Peanut butter commercial," huh?
Hey, Brian, maybe you should audition.
You know, because of that one time you got in the trash
and ate a whole jar of recalled peanut butter.
It wasn't peanut butter,
It was that pre-mixed peanut butter and jelly thing.
Oh, Mom bought that?
That's what the scab kid at school always has.
That was really great, Jake. Really, really great.
Your face is upside-down so we're not gonna pick you,
but thanks for coming.
Hey, hey, this is you.
"I'm Brian. I like garbage peanut butter."
"And I wear my 'I voted' sticker for a week and a half."
Nom, nom, nom, nom! (CHUCKLES)
I'm sorry. We're looking for more ofa... Nom, nom, nom, nom!
Bob, look over there.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
- Whose kid is that? - Oh, that's our son, Stewie.
He's adorable. And exactly what we're looking for.
Congratulations. Your son is the new peanut butter kid.
- My God! I don't believe it. - That's so cool.
Hey, what's Dad doing over there with Chris?
Oh, he's telling him that he's no longer his favorite son.
(INAUDIBLE)
(CRYING) No!
No!
Daddy! Daddy!
(GROANING)
I didn't even tell him. He just does not like to be touched.
Thanks for coming to the viewing party for Stewie's commercial, everybody.
We're sorry that it's airing during 2 Broke Girls,
but we have no control over that.
Thanks for coming to my big night, Brian.
I see you got all dressed up in your exposed wiener.
Quiet, everybody. Here it comes.
(JINGLE PLAYS)
Welcome home, honey.
There's my family.
Hey, wait. Where's the baby?
Well, he likes his hero dad,
but he loves Scooter's Peanut Butter.
Nom, nom, nom, nom! Nom, nom, nom, nom!
(MAN READING)
So good your baby will wanna eat it in an airport terminal bathroom.
- (ALL CHEERING) - Yeah, Stewie!
(LAUGHS) He's a baby who did a baby thing.
Let's all calm down a little.
Oh, I can't believe Stewie's a commercial star.
We haven't had a celebrity in the family
since my great-aunt Queen of Burlesque Griffin.
(SINGING) Cheesy jokes
And ugly broads
Way back when
They had no porn
Just scarves, fans, fat, gross
A terrible time
For your penis to live in
Bill. Bill. Bill.
Weird magazine about our town that's just ads.
Hmm, this one's for Stewie.
Whoa! A check for $2,000!
Let me see that.
It's a royalty check from Stewie's commercial.
Apparently, he gets paid every time it airs.
This is great.
We can put it right into Stewie's college fund.
Yeah, yeah, but, you know, maybe we should keep a little bit out to celebrate.
I mean, I ain't done nothing fancy since I bought those rich guy socks.
Ah, there. I'm ready to get caught cheating with my secretary.
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome, folks. Would you like flat or sparkling water to start?
Garden hose will be fine.
We prefer it to be hot and then metally.
Actually, Peter, let's go for the sparkling water.
I mean, we are celebrating our little commercial star
and his big payday-
Oh, I don't care about that, ma'am.
You know, this is a nice dinner and all,
but I thought you guys were gonna save this commercial money
for Stewie's college fund?
We are saving it, Brian. This is just a little celebration.
The rest of it is going right in the bank.
Yeah, and besides, it's been a while since we ate at a place
where if you ask for ketchup, they look at you like you're dirt.
You know, Stewie actually got a call for another commercial tomorrow.
(CHUCKLES) Who knows? This could be the beginning ofa nice career for him.
You sure about this, Lois?
I mean, the world of child acting can be a pretty bad environment for a kid.
Maybe we should just let Stewie's childhood be about being a child.
Wasn't your kid an actor, you jagoff?
Didn't your father hate your guts and die?
Whoa! Bring a gun to a knife fight.
Look, I'm sorry.
All I'm saying is, just try to keep Stewie's best interests in mind.
Relax, Brian. Stewie's fine.
I mean, look at him. He's happier than a sunny-side up egg.
What a great way to start the day.
What a pan! What a grill!
Oh, no! I'm at Denny's!
MAN: Hey, I'm a drug addict and it's midnight.
Where's my breakfast?
Help! He's only gonna eat the toast and put a cigarette out on me.
Okay, Stewie. You booked the last commercial without even trying,
so this one should be a piece of cake.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Oh, I guess there are other people auditioning, too.
Oh, is your child up for the cough syrup commercial, too?
You'd have no way of knowing this, but the moms tend to dress up.
Oh, thank you.
And you'd have no way of knowing that my son is the Scooter's Peanut Butter kid.
(CHUCKLES) That's cute.
My son had a gun waved in his face in a Dexter episode.
Are you guys talking about your kids?
My daughter is the American Apparel slut baby.
My son got crapped on in the last Jackass movie.
God, everyone here is so talented.
Hi, everybody.
We're a little crunched for time,
so we're gonna have to audition people right herein the hallway.
You, do something exceptional.
Uh, okay.
- (CRACK) - (GROANING)
Oh, my grundle! It's bruised.
It's bruised bad.
Oh, okay, I'm out. I'm out. Tapping out.
Well, that was a disaster.
It was humiliating is what it was.
That woman just smiled when Stewie banged his balls on the floor.
A damn disaster.
Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom!
Shut up! That's over.
Did you see those other kids? They were amazing.
One of them was texting with the funny dumb kid from Modern Family.
I wanna text with that kid.
Holy Christmas! There were a lot of hot moms in yoga pants in there, though.
Dear me. They're really disappointed in me, Rupert.
I haven't seen the fat man this upset since he went to the 9/11 museum.
Lois made us do this,
but I wanted to go to the Central Park merry-go-round.
- We had time to do both. - (MUSIC PLAYING)
(PIANO PLAYING)
What the hell?
Okay. That's great, that's great. Just one question, Stewie.
Do you get pleasure out of humiliating your family?
Yeah. ls there some kind of sick joy in it?
Why can't he just be Pierce Brosnan?
- Pierce Brosnan would have got this. - In a heartbeat.
It's 3:00 in the morning. What the hell are you guys doing?
What does it look like? We're practicing.
Stewie has another audition tomorrow,
and we're not gonna be embarrassed like we were today.
See? This is the kind of thing I was talking about.
And look at him. He can barely stand up.
That's why I made this. I call it "8-hour ENERGY".
It's one part 5-hour ENERGY,
and the other three hours are espresso,
Scotts Turf Builder,
and a tiny, tiny, super small amount of cocaine.
Just a little bit.
I can't stress the littleness of it enough.
Whoa! Mama, there's a kick like a mule.
(SINGING) Who willbuy this wonderful morning?
Such a sky you never did see
There he is. There's the magic.
Peter, you're giving your baby drugs to improve his acting career?
Oh, he's fine with it.
Stewie, if you're fine with it, bleed from the nose.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
I think that's pretty close.
All right, Stewie. Now remember what we practiced last night.
And here's a trick to keep that confidence up.
You go in that room and imagine everyone in it wants you sexually.
I'm doing it right now.
- And I feel powerful. - Okay.
And don't forget. If you screw this up,
- Mommy's gonna kill all of your toys. - Okay.
All right. Now I'm gonna go psych out these other kids.
Hey, little guy. Nervous? Sure you are.
Here's something that might help you.
(TOOTING LOUDLY)
Hey, little guy.
- Stewie Griffin. - Oh, right here.
Peter, he needs a boost. Give him some of the acting soup.
(GAGGING)
I wanna say curse words.
Okay, Stewie, you're just gonna drink this juice,
then say, "Mmm..." And rub your belly.
Yeah, yeah, you got it.
Yay! Bye, juice!
- That was amazing. - I've got goose bumps.
I want him sexually.
Well, Mom, Dad,
I think we've got our new orange juice boy.
Does this guy really think we're his parents?
Stewie got the part? Yes!
That is how you do it!
- Oh, hey, Brian. - What's going on?
- Where's the fridge? - We got a new one.
Stewie booked that orange juice commercial,
so we thought we'd make a few upgrades around the house.
Yeah. I even bought an awesome voice-activated 3-D printer.
Why the hell do you need a 3-D printer?
Print coyote.
- (GROWLS) - (CHRIS YELLING)
Heel! Heel! Heel!
I can't make him attack you, Brian.
But if I keep printing them, eventually one will go after you.
That money is supposed to be for Stewie's college.
He's an actor, you idiot. He doesn't need college.
Look, I just don't think any of this is good for Stewie.
It's great for Stewie.
- He's becoming a star. - That's right.
Man, this must be what it's like to be Anne Hathaway's parents.
- Oh, that's Anne's car. - Ugh.
Hey, Stewie. Can I talk to you...
- What are you doing? - I don't know.
Mom and Dad just stuck a book on my head and left.
Stewie, look at you. You're a wreck.
And for what? So Peter and Lois can spend the money
you earned on crap they don't even need?
Uh, I'm not supposed to use my voice for non-paying stuff, Brian.
This is insane! You've got to stop!
Oh, stop worrying. I'm fine.
And besides, the fat man knows what he's doing.
No, he doesn't. He's an idiot.
You remember? He couldn't even figure out how to use a hotel business center.
So, what business are you in?
Oh, I'm just here to look at other people's e-mails who haven't logged out.
Then how's business?
Well, I have left some pretty wild replies on a bunch of e-vites.
Look at this. "I'm bringing 53 guests."
You're the coolest guy I've ever met in one of these things.
Oh, hey. You caught me pigging out.
I'm dipping this celery stalk into some lemon water.
But don't freak out.
I'm just gonna smell it and then throw it in the trash.
Stewie, this has gotten out of control.
If you're gonna continue on this path, you need to know what your future holds.
Being a child actor almost never ends well.
You remember that kid from A Christmas Story
who got his tongue stuck to that pole?
Yeah, whatever happened to him?
I'll tell you what happened to him.
He did porn.
Boner from Growing Pains? Dead.
Screech from Saved by the Bell? Porn.
Corey Haim? Dead.
Dana Plato? Porn, then dead.
Oh, no, this is horrible.
You see, Stewie, there are tons of actors like this.
They all started out just like you,
but eventually they were destroyed by their parents' greed,
drugs, or perverted Hollywood directors.
- Oh, like Bryan Singer. - Exactly.
The point is, it's a dark path.
My God, I had no idea it could be so bad.
- Brian, I don't want to act anymore. - Good.
Now we just gotta make Peter and Lois understand.
Yes, well, if they want to make me into a monster like those people,
we'll give them a monster.
Like when Godzilla attacked Haiti.
(ROARING)
Oh, my God.
- Peter, did you get my text? - No, hold on.
No, I don't know what he's doing here.
Okay, Stewie, when Barbara hands you that orange juice,
you're gonna drink it and smile.
And really show us that energy from your audition.
Hold on a second, he's got a smudge on his face.
Let me just take care of that for you guys.
Here, drink this.
I threw a little Molly in there, too, so we'll go out clubbing afterwards.
- Hey, you want this? - Sure, I'll drink anything.
All right, action!
As a mom, I want my kids to start their day right.
And there's no better way than with a glass of fresh-squeezed Sunnydale Orange Juice.
Isn't that right, sweetie?
Shut your hole, bitch!
I'll tell you what I want fresh-squeezed. These.
(SCREAMS)
What the hell's he doing? He's blowing this.
Oh, here's what I think of this orange juice.
(STRAINING)
I can't... I can't go right now with everybody watching.
But I presume you understand the disrespect I intended.
Oh, my God, he's having a meltdown.
You don't suppose this has anything to do with the sleep deprivation and narcotics?
Oh, Peter, what have we been thinking?
It's us. We're the ones who turned him into this.
Get this kid out of here! He's fired.
Well done. Not a bad performance.
Thank you, Brian. I... Oh, there's the poop.
Right now.
Oh, Stewie, Mommy and Daddy are so sorry.
I guess we just got too caught up in your success
and forgot that you're just a baby.
You were right, Brian.
I guess we pushed Stewie a little too hard.
Well, the good news is that now he can go back to being a regular kid.
Why are you winking at our baby, you creep?
God, that's weird. I don't want to ever see that happen again.
Well, we went a little crazy there, didn't we, Peter?
But I'm glad we have our normal, very average, non-famous baby back.
You know, I was once a very famous baby.
- Were you, Peter? - No.
But you see how easy it is for me to lie to you?
I do it every day.
Anyway, it looks like everything worked out for the best.
You know, Brian, that acting stuff was a bit much for me,
but I did quite enjoy the dancing and the cocaine.
- Yeah? - Yep.
So you're just gonna be a dancer and a drug addict?
For a while. I might crash when I'm 18,
but then I'll just turn to the Lord and working out.
I'll just be a 180-degree different type of insufferable.
I used to need drugs to feel powerful,
but now my power comes from my core strength.
And let's look at that word, "strength."
The "S" stands for sacrifice.
No gain without sacrifice.
The of course, stands for the sufferings of the cross.
The - You want some cocaine?
Oh, my God, please, yes! That's all I want all the time!